Book of Mormon

I am getting close to finishing up the Book of Mormon for the first time! I am getting so excited to read it again and again throughout my lifetime. It really is uplifting and a way for us to listen to God. He speaks to us through the scriptures and we speak to Him through prayer. I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon and it's truthfulness. Everything written in it was inspired by God. I am so blessed to be able to have a set of scriptures that I can mark and carry around with me. The scriptures are wonderful!

Relationships

Relationships... everyone has em. Good ones, bad ones, close ones, painful ones, strong ones, etc. I think Heavenly Father is trying to show me which ones I need to hold onto and the ones I should let go. It's really hard to let go of someone you love dearly. We all know that. But you don't truly realize just how hard it can be until you have gone through it yourself. Everyone's situation is different but I know what it's like to have to tell yourself that you must give up special feelings for someone when the circumstances just aren't meant to work out the way you want. It is also hard to let go of friends. What I mean by "let go" in this situation is to accept the fact that your best friend is moving a few states away and you know that you won't be nearly as close to them after they leave.  It just sucks when you have to endure something like this and there is no way to change it. I just have to accept it. I have already lost one of the best friends I have ever had earlier this year. And now it's time to say goodbye to another one. At least I can still talk to this one but she will be several states away. I don't think I have ever told her this but I am so glad she's my friend. She is such a great person! I can always count on her to be there for me if I need anything. Our crazy ideas and silly jokes are seriously hilarious. It's a shame that people don't hear our conversations... too great to miss. Then again, maybe it is a good thing because they probably wouldn't make sense at all. But, ya know, that's how we roll.

Satan is going to try to attack me with everything he's got these next few months. He does NOT want me to be baptized. I will prove to him that I will follow my God, and only my God. He loves me because I am His daughter. I know I have to go through hard things in my life... I would never progress if everything was easy. I suspect these trials are also a test of my faith. No matter what happens in these next few months I am dedicated to becoming a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I haven't waited all these years for nothing! I know it is not going to be easy to get to that point but I am willing to do what I need to in order to make the right choice. I can't thank my ward and friends enough for all of the many times you have picked me back up and gave me the strength I was so desperately praying for. I sincerely believe that all of you are angels sent to me from Heaven. I love you all so much! I know that God answers our prayers and He will never abandon us. Heavenly Father does not break his promises. If we live our lives according to His gospel we will find true happiness. I will never be able to repay Him for everything He has done for me.

I know that my life won't be perfect or easy after I am baptized, but I know that I will be even happier. I will have even more help from the Holy Ghost and I can't wait to experience it! Just 69 days left!

Just An Update

My life hasn't been too busy lately but I sure feel like the summer is flying by! I am currently taking a Government class over the summer so I don't have to do it during my senior year. It's nice because it distracts me and keeps my mind focused on things other than what's bothering me. It seems like more and more trials keep coming up. I sometimes worry that I either show my feelings too much or keep them bottled up inside. I don't feel like I have found a happy medium in a while. There is so much on my mind! It is really hard to control it sometimes. I haven't been my happiest self for a few months but I am starting to see a little bit of sunshine. I hope that by the time summer is over my sunshine will be back. These next few months are going to be pretty hard to endure. My best friend is moving to Texas on the 20th, I will be having surgery on the 25th (more about that in a minute), the heat makes me grumpy, I don't feel like eating when it's hot, I am always so tired from staying up late trying to find ways to go to bed happy and I miss weight lifting. I payed to do summer weight lifting at school but it's during my summer class. Ballroom was my outlet but it doesn't look like dance will be a part of my senior year. In which case I decided to dedicate more time to weight lifting! After surgery, however, I won't be able to lift anything for a while. I guess that means a lot of squats instead of bench press!

{The surgery isn't too big of a concern but it still makes me a little nervous. I just have a funny little lump in the breast tissue but it's nothing to worry about. This one and the last one were both benign.}

Welp, I think that's it for today. Hope you are all doing well.

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I am going through so much. It seems almost impossible to bear when it all comes at once... But the Lord knows how much I can handle. Sometimes it's hard to remember that but I can't forget it otherwise it will be too easy to give up. 

I think these next few months will be the hardest months I have ever had to endure. The adversary is trying to utterly destroy me in hopes that I won't get baptized in September. I know that Heavenly Father is going to help me but He will also be testing me. 

I feel like I am stepping into a battlefield of open fire. No one knows exactly what I am feeling or why, and it's nothing I could ever completely explain to anyone. This feels like an endless path of pain and hurt. 

This is one of my favorite talks and I have already posted it before but it really helps me. I listen to it a lot when I am just laying in bed trying to get up the courage to face another day.

As Many as I Love, I Will Rebuke and Chasten by D. Todd Christofferson

Here is a segment of the talk that has really been pulling me through.

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”⁵

God knew what Hugh B. Brown was to become and what was needed for that to happen, and He redirected his course to prepare him for the holy apostleship.

I always get tears in my eyes when I read or hear "... thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me." He knows what I need to be and what I will become and I have to do my part to get there. At the moment it means to walk forward despite the blindness and fear. "I will go where You want me to go". I am afraid of the pain and the hurt but I have no reason to fear with God on my side.