That Feeling

You know that feeling of having your heart sink to your stomach and your stomach feels like a black hole that will never seem to end? Yep, I'm feelin it. I am having a really hard time right now. Well, it has been going on for a while now. If anyone reads this... I'll just tell you now. Aaron and I aren't together anymore. It isn't easy to talk about but I figure this could benefit both of us -- people knowing. I'm still not okay, and I know it could be a while before I actually am. It is really hard to let go of someone you love so deeply. It's hard to let go of someone you really care about. If you're reading this Aaron, please know I admire you. I'm not mad at you... This is just going to take some getting used to.
It would be a lie to say that alright. I am really having a hard time right now. There are various challenges that have hit me really hard all at once. I don't think listing them or complaining about them will help. I don't know if writing this will help me or someone else more. Whoever you are, breakups hurt. Life hurts. But no matter how hard it stings or pushes you down, you cannot give up. Just don't do it. It is NOT worth giving up and selling yourself short of the feeling of accomplishment that comes when you can say "I did not give up." Crying can help... but only for a bit. Venting helps... for a while. Writing down your problems... it only overwhelms you. There is only ONE SINGLE THING that can truly help you. That ONE SINGLE THING is the Lord Jesus Christ. Along with our Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost we can receive a kind of comfort and peace that does not come from anywhere else.
As I look back on my life I see a girl who has made countless mistakes and dozens of unwise decisions. I have come to realize that if you don't truly give your entire heart over to God, you are nothing. Absolutely nothing. Life isn't full of REAL happiness without the Lord. You can try hard to obtain that same happiness but it isn't found ANYWHERE ELSE. Pride can often get in the way of our progression. When we enter a pride cycle it is deadly to our spiritual growth. You just cannot live a life of happiness without the Lord. Christ died for us so that we may be able to repent of our mistakes and return to live with Him and our Father in Heaven once more. I can testify of the realness of repentance. The Atonement is real and it is essential that we take advantage of it if we want to spend an eternity in happiness. I have had real, tender experiences concerning this and I KNOW IT IS REAL. I just can't say it enough. Don't give up if you've made mistakes. Don't ever tell yourself you can't do it. And PLEASE REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVES YOU! Don't you dare give up. The embrace that awaits is too sweet to miss. For any one of you who feels like they are alone, forgotten, invisible, miserable, worthless or just depressed, I have one thing to say to you: TURN TO GOD. Yes, I mean pray (and pray hard). I KNOW He is listening. He is waiting for you to reach out and grab His outstretched hand. You have to let Him in. "Knock and it shall be opened unto you." I know it is easy to just expect God to help you, but you must do your part as well. Seek to receive the inspiration you need through daily prayer, daily scripture study and always having charity.
I am not afraid or ashamed to say that I believe in Christ. He is my Savior. He loves every one of us the same and He is no respecter of persons. I promise you it is worth it to give your entire life over to Him. It has blessed my life in countless ways to give heed to His word. Life was meant to be challenging. Life on Earth is a test to see if we will keep faith or not. Now, what does it mean to have faith? To me, faith is continuing to walk forward without looking back even though you don't know what lies ahead. Faith is trusting God and His will. Faith means that you will do absolutely anything to stay close to Heavenly Father and His Son. Sacrificing something will not always be easy. That is why repentance is so hard; you are literally giving up a part of yourself and sacrificing whatever it may be that is tearing you further away from God. I really like a quote that is posted in the MV weight room. It reads, "Habits are like knots. The longer both are left alone the harder they are to untie." -Coach Blevins. If you are struggling to turn to God and give your life over to Him, I plead with you... walk in faith and repent. Turn to the Lord. He WILL forgive you. And you MUST forgive yourself. It is not enough to just forget about whatever it was, you have to forgive yourself and let it go. It's really hard to drive forward when you are looking in the rear-view mirror.
I realize that this is a very personal post but I felt like I needed to share it. I am not here to tell you that you need to change -- I have no place to. But I AM here to tell you that real happiness comes through developing a relationship with God. If you are struggling with ANYTHING right now, I invite you to pray and turn to the Lord. I know that He knows exactly what you are feeling. It is impossible for anyone else to feel just the same as you do, but He is able to. I am always amazed at the healing power that comes through trusting Him. Please don't give up! Don't ever give up! You can do this. I can do this. We are all in this together. I love you and pray for all of you. Thank you so much for everyone who has stepped in and offered their love and support. I know that Heavenly Father put you in my life for a reason. And in 121 days I will be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I can't even begin to describe how happy it makes me that the day is getting so close! It's been a long, hard journey but I will make it. And you can make it to your goals. DO NOT EVER GIVE UP!
2 Nephi 9: 26-29
All of my love, April