There is Sunshine in My Soul

I am feeling especially calm and happy today. The sad part is that I can't remember the last time I felt like this... it's been too long. The trials really started when a good friend was lost in January. Since then, more and more has been thrown at me. I have fallen to my knees so many times just begging Heavenly Father to help me. Many nights I would just cry myself to sleep and listen to hymns while I tried to forget my troubles. In the middle of every trial I would find myself asking "why me?". I think that only made it harder to deal with to be honest. During an especially difficult trial I had no motivation to get up in the morning. Everything reminded me of the hurt I was feeling and I felt like I needed to just run away from it all. Of course, that would have been one of the most foolish ways to deal with it, but it seemed appealing at the time. It is still hard to deal with things that remind me of this trial, but I have to keep reminding myself to just accept it. I have to accept what I cannot change and just focus on what I can. I still have those days that just suck! But it's days like today that keep me on my feet.

I have waited for such a long time to feel this peace again. You have no idea! But today, yes, today, FINALLY, I feel sunshine again. My heart is full of gratitude and joy for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't know where I would be without the Church. When I was going through a specific trial I remember writing in my journal, "I can't see the sunshine..." and left it at that. A while later I wrote, "starting to see the sun again..." when I was starting to gain strength to overcome that hard time. And today I can happily write that I have found the sunshine again!

It has felt like forever and I am glad it's here! 

There is Sunshine in My Soul Today is one of my favorite hymns and it certainly illustrates my feelings today.

Surgery

I still have a lot of people asking why I had surgery, so I thought I would just write about it. I had a funny little lump growing between layers of breast tissue and this was the second one that I have had. The last one was taken out last year in January. I feel like this surgery has been a lot more enjoyable compared to the last one. I am not in as much pain and I feel a lot happier! :) I wasn't as nervous for this surgery as I thought I would be. I knew the doctors knew what do if anything should go wrong.

The pain medication that I am on makes me SO sleepy! It feels like I am just really lazy, but I do notice I get really groggy when I take it. I am really looking forward to being able to shower tonight! I hate not being able to shower for two days - especially when all I do is sleep and sit in my room relaxing.

Thank you for all of the prayers and well-wishes! I really do appreciate it. I know that Heavenly Father was watching over me and I know He still is. I love you guys!

Modesty

Ladies, this post is mainly for you, but I invite the guys to read it as well.

It is so important to dress modestly. As girls, we just don't fully understand how our clothing choices affects you guys. I came across this video a while ago and I have never forgotten about it since I first watched it. It is a video about Men's Thoughts on Modesty. I encourage you all to watch it! It really inspires me to try even harder to always dress modestly. If you are a guy reading this, I want to give you a challenge. I want you to leave a comment about why you think us young women should dress modestly and tell us what we can do to improve. Ladies, I want to challenge you as well. When you are making clothing choices, ask yourself if you would be comfortable wearing that outfit if the Lord was present. I know that the Lord wants us to dress appropriately in every situation. I also know that it is getting harder and harder to find modest clothing that isn't too expensive. But we will be blessed for making an extra effort to find and wear modest clothing. 

I believe it was the New Era magazine that provided a tool for making sure your clothes are modest. It is really easy to remember! It is as easy as singing the song "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes" and it goes a little something like this:

1. Head: touch your head with both hands. Does your shirt still cover your stomach?
2. Shoulders: touch both of your shoulders. Do you feel fabric?
3. Knees: bend over and touch your knees. Does your shirt still cover you up?
4. Toes: bend over and touch your toes. Does your shirt still cover your back completely?

There is one more I would like to add to our little list here. 

5. Place your arms down by your sides and straighten your fingers. Do your shorts or your skirt go past your fingertips?

Remember that you are a beautiful daughter of God or a handsome son of God. It isn't worth it to try to follow all of the clothing trends when it means that you don't dress modestly. Both young men and women can help each other to dress appropriately. Remember that you have infinite worth and that Heavenly Father loves you!

Book of Mormon

I am getting close to finishing up the Book of Mormon for the first time! I am getting so excited to read it again and again throughout my lifetime. It really is uplifting and a way for us to listen to God. He speaks to us through the scriptures and we speak to Him through prayer. I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon and it's truthfulness. Everything written in it was inspired by God. I am so blessed to be able to have a set of scriptures that I can mark and carry around with me. The scriptures are wonderful!

Relationships

Relationships... everyone has em. Good ones, bad ones, close ones, painful ones, strong ones, etc. I think Heavenly Father is trying to show me which ones I need to hold onto and the ones I should let go. It's really hard to let go of someone you love dearly. We all know that. But you don't truly realize just how hard it can be until you have gone through it yourself. Everyone's situation is different but I know what it's like to have to tell yourself that you must give up special feelings for someone when the circumstances just aren't meant to work out the way you want. It is also hard to let go of friends. What I mean by "let go" in this situation is to accept the fact that your best friend is moving a few states away and you know that you won't be nearly as close to them after they leave.  It just sucks when you have to endure something like this and there is no way to change it. I just have to accept it. I have already lost one of the best friends I have ever had earlier this year. And now it's time to say goodbye to another one. At least I can still talk to this one but she will be several states away. I don't think I have ever told her this but I am so glad she's my friend. She is such a great person! I can always count on her to be there for me if I need anything. Our crazy ideas and silly jokes are seriously hilarious. It's a shame that people don't hear our conversations... too great to miss. Then again, maybe it is a good thing because they probably wouldn't make sense at all. But, ya know, that's how we roll.

Satan is going to try to attack me with everything he's got these next few months. He does NOT want me to be baptized. I will prove to him that I will follow my God, and only my God. He loves me because I am His daughter. I know I have to go through hard things in my life... I would never progress if everything was easy. I suspect these trials are also a test of my faith. No matter what happens in these next few months I am dedicated to becoming a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I haven't waited all these years for nothing! I know it is not going to be easy to get to that point but I am willing to do what I need to in order to make the right choice. I can't thank my ward and friends enough for all of the many times you have picked me back up and gave me the strength I was so desperately praying for. I sincerely believe that all of you are angels sent to me from Heaven. I love you all so much! I know that God answers our prayers and He will never abandon us. Heavenly Father does not break his promises. If we live our lives according to His gospel we will find true happiness. I will never be able to repay Him for everything He has done for me.

I know that my life won't be perfect or easy after I am baptized, but I know that I will be even happier. I will have even more help from the Holy Ghost and I can't wait to experience it! Just 69 days left!

Just An Update

My life hasn't been too busy lately but I sure feel like the summer is flying by! I am currently taking a Government class over the summer so I don't have to do it during my senior year. It's nice because it distracts me and keeps my mind focused on things other than what's bothering me. It seems like more and more trials keep coming up. I sometimes worry that I either show my feelings too much or keep them bottled up inside. I don't feel like I have found a happy medium in a while. There is so much on my mind! It is really hard to control it sometimes. I haven't been my happiest self for a few months but I am starting to see a little bit of sunshine. I hope that by the time summer is over my sunshine will be back. These next few months are going to be pretty hard to endure. My best friend is moving to Texas on the 20th, I will be having surgery on the 25th (more about that in a minute), the heat makes me grumpy, I don't feel like eating when it's hot, I am always so tired from staying up late trying to find ways to go to bed happy and I miss weight lifting. I payed to do summer weight lifting at school but it's during my summer class. Ballroom was my outlet but it doesn't look like dance will be a part of my senior year. In which case I decided to dedicate more time to weight lifting! After surgery, however, I won't be able to lift anything for a while. I guess that means a lot of squats instead of bench press!

{The surgery isn't too big of a concern but it still makes me a little nervous. I just have a funny little lump in the breast tissue but it's nothing to worry about. This one and the last one were both benign.}

Welp, I think that's it for today. Hope you are all doing well.

[title-less post]

I am going through so much. It seems almost impossible to bear when it all comes at once... But the Lord knows how much I can handle. Sometimes it's hard to remember that but I can't forget it otherwise it will be too easy to give up. 

I think these next few months will be the hardest months I have ever had to endure. The adversary is trying to utterly destroy me in hopes that I won't get baptized in September. I know that Heavenly Father is going to help me but He will also be testing me. 

I feel like I am stepping into a battlefield of open fire. No one knows exactly what I am feeling or why, and it's nothing I could ever completely explain to anyone. This feels like an endless path of pain and hurt. 

This is one of my favorite talks and I have already posted it before but it really helps me. I listen to it a lot when I am just laying in bed trying to get up the courage to face another day.

As Many as I Love, I Will Rebuke and Chasten by D. Todd Christofferson

Here is a segment of the talk that has really been pulling me through.

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”⁵

God knew what Hugh B. Brown was to become and what was needed for that to happen, and He redirected his course to prepare him for the holy apostleship.

I always get tears in my eyes when I read or hear "... thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me." He knows what I need to be and what I will become and I have to do my part to get there. At the moment it means to walk forward despite the blindness and fear. "I will go where You want me to go". I am afraid of the pain and the hurt but I have no reason to fear with God on my side.